Being on the same page as your partner can solve a lot of things. Chores are shared equally, picking a movie takes like five seconds, and your sex life is great.
But we’re going to go ahead and guess that you and your significant other don’t agree on literally everything. And when you disagree about how much sex is enough, that can be a big problem.
Though you’re on your own when it comes to deciding between The Queen and OA , we’ve asked experts to explain why syncing up your sex life can be tough and how to fix that.
The problem: you want sex more often
Men greatly underestimate their partners’ sex drives, a recent study from the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found. It also showed that if men thought their partners weren’t up for doing it, they wouldn’t attempt to initiate.
Shocker: Women do want sex! But we’re typically not as free with sexual expression, so men don’t pick up on our cues.
Sync up: You’ve got to tell your guy directly you want to get busy. Feel awkward? Bring it up in a setting that makes sense – say, while watching a romantic movie.
“The language we use to talk about sex can be sexy in itself,” says Dr Ian Kerner, a psychotherapist and sexuality counsellor in New York City, so phrase it like a fantasy. (“I love morning sex with you. It would be so hot if we could do more of that.”)
If it’s still not happening, make an emotional case, says Dr Megan Fleming, a New York City sex and relationships expert. Explain what it means to you (for example, you feel closer to him) so he knows it’s important to you and your bond.
The problem: he wants sex more often
Men’s higher libidos are hardwired (more testosterone) and socially ingrained (they’re taught to pursue sex), says Dr Fleming.
Another perk: It’s physiologically easier for them to get aroused spontaneously. All they need are simple signs, like seeing you step out of the shower and – boom.
Sync up: You don’t have to satisfy every hard-on, but don’t belittle his requests either.
Rejections like “Jeez, you’re always so damn horny” will build up over time.
“The higher-desire partner’s sexual frustration can leave them feeling hurt, while the lower-desire partner feels pressured,” says Dr Kerner.
The solution? Compromise on how often you want to do it, and schedule your romps. He’ll know you value sex with him and seeing Thursday’s 8 p.m. “;)” in your calendar will put you in a sexy mindset to prep for the deed.